I sit here looking out the window of my apartment. The rain pours, and I stare.
I sit here, waiting for you to arrive. Listening for your key turning the lock, ready to jump out of my chair and pour my heart out to you, just like the rain.
You see, yesterday I was quite sad. I was thinking about our pasts. You know, our pasts before they became our past. I was thinking about how, for us to find each other, we first had to be tested, and broken, and surpassed out limits. I was thinking of all that had to happen for us to be here. It took me down a very dark path.
But that was last night. Tonight is different. Tonight there’s rain. Tonight there’s joy. Tonight there’s you and me. Tonight there’s us. Tonight we are together. And tonight, the past belongs to the both of us.
You think you’re done. You think you’re over him. You think that you’ve moved on and all is well.
But then something happens.
You see him walking and smiling with his friends, or you come across something of his that for some reason you still have. You find his sweater or a letter he wrote for you. You stumble upon your old messages and see the pet name he had for you. Or maybe you find a card with a phone number and a lipstick-stained kiss that someone gave him… And then it hits you.
You may be over him and all may be well. You may have moved on, but a part of you will always be stuck. Because whether you like it or not, he was a great part of you and you just can’t rip off that big a piece of your heart.
Because if you tried to remove every part of your heart that he lived in, at some point you’d be left with close to nothing. So you leave it there. You try to stuff it in a box and stash it in the darkest, farthest corner where you hope you won’t stumble across it often. But still, every once in a while you stub your little toe in the corner of that box. On those nights when it’s dark and you are trying to navigate through the room of your heart, blind, guiding yourself with your hands, and trying to make it out of there alive.
And you find the box, and you try to ignore it but it haunts you. And you open it again and everything pours out of it like the tears would pour out of your face each time he hurt you.
And that is when you learn the hard truth. His memory will always hurt, but he’s not there anymore, and whatever it feels like not having him – whether you miss him or you hate him – nothing can ever compare to the pain he caused you.
So stuff everything back into the box. Put it away, you don’t need it. That box can be there all the time, whether or not you think about it or, instead, enjoy your day, is completely up to you.
So what’s the point? I don’t see what we get out of all this. What do you gain? What do I? Do you notice? Can you see it? Do you really mean it? Look at me and tell me you know what you are doing, and you know that what you are doing is the right thing. Look at me and defend yourself. Tell me if you actually make sense of this. Because I don’t.
I don’t understand. Why are you here? Do you really think you can come and move my world around, then tear it apart and just leave? Did you think I’d let you? What made you think I wouldn’t react to your absolute mess? Tell me why you thought I would just let you go as if nothing would’ve happened. Tell me why you did it.
Tell me why I should forgive you. Because we went through all these things together?Because I love you?
I love you.
I love you, but that’s no excuse. Is love a reason to forgive someone who disappointed you in the worst way there is? Why should love be an excuse? Why do you HAVE an excuse? You shouldn’t have one! You shouldn’t have done it in the first place! Then you would need no excuse! No excuse for any of this shit! If you wouldn’t have done it, THERE WOULD BE NO SHIT! But you had to.
You had to.
You had to and you did. That’s what matters. You had to do it… You wanted to do it… You felt like doing it… You thought of doing it… You needed to do it… Because you had to…Because you wanted…Because you felt…Because you thought… Because you needed… Because, what? Why did you do it?
Why is it that I keep falling? Why do I keep forgiving, keep bearing, keep putting up with, keep tolerating? I know why. Because I love you. And I really do. I really do love you. But that can’t be the reason. At least not the only one. And if it is… I feel sorry for myself and anyone else who is just like me.
You know? Things like that always happen to you. You always fall hard and give everything you have. You don’t pace yourself. You give and give without waiting for anything back from him. Why do you do that?
Because that way I can say I gave it my all. And if things did not work out, it was not on me.
But why? Aren’t you scared? I mean, out of all the times you’ve done that, not one of them has worked, or you wouldn’t be here right now.
I know. But if you are not loving with everything you’ve got, is it even worth it? Is it even love?
But you always get hurt in the end! Every single time. You give it all, then he gets bored, and you are left with nothing! You just hurt yourself, even more, each time. And each time, you hurt worse! When are you gonna learn?
I don’t have to learn. I just have to find the right person.
But what if you don’t?
Then I will enjoy myself every step of the way. And I will keep falling hard and fast, because life without passion like this, is no life worth living.
Hi… It’s been a while. It’s been quite some time since I was here. Many things have happened in the last couple weeks that I just needed time to think through them. I just wasn’t ready to share. But I am here now, and I hope to see you here with me. 🙂
So, the first thing I need to say is that this page is going to have major transformations. I’ve been changing myself and things in my life are so different now, that this blog will be changing too.
Friends, Edgar and I broke up… Edgar, HIM<3, Meow, whatever you know him as, we broke up. Yes, it was hard. Yes, it was difficult. Yes, it hurt. But, yes, I stand by it. And yes, I am ok.
I am doing well. It was time, and it was needed.
I am not going into the details of what happened, that’s just distasteful and classless. I can only say that it was the right thing to do, and I have made my peace with this new life I have chosen and all will be well. I just didn’t have the heart to talk about it so openly just yet. But here I am, today, and I am saying that all is well.
I am taking up new hobbies. I am learning how to play the piano, finally. I am reading more. I am writing more. I am studying more. (Yes, I am probably eating more as well…) But, everything is moving along, and I am enjoying this new life. This very different life. My life.
Friends, I have learned so much about myself. I have learned so much about relationships, and standards, and expectations, and effort, and love. I have learned, and I am ready. I am ready to move on and go through life wearing my heart on my chest and to be myself. I am ready.
I woke up this morning to the news of this year’s election. As soon as I saw this, I took to Facebook to see what my friends were saying, see what they were sharing, even some pieces of news coverage, and I couldn’t help but notice the recurrence of the words “uncertainty,” “fear,” and “disappointment.” Most importantly, I noticed several people post about being scared of being deported, scared of discrimination, scared for their loved ones, and outright scared of what the future may hold.
You see, friends, I have never posted anything political. I have shared a couple of posts from other sources on my Facebook page, but I feel like this time I have a couple things to share, and I would like this post to reach far and wide. So, here goes nothing…
First thing first, I myself am Mexican. I was born in Mexico, have lived about half of my life in Mexico (in discontinuous intervals) and am very proud of my Nationality and Culture, but I am also a naturalized American Citizen and very happy with currently living in Dallas, and going to a wonderful University: The University of Texas at Dallas. While here, I have come to know different people, and I mean MANY different people. I know people from India, China, Japan, Australia, Canada, Brazil, Argentina, Venezuela, Africa, Russia, Germany, France, England, Italy, Greece, Turkey, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Iran, U.S., and many more places, not to mention my current boyfriend, who is Colombian ❤ ! Talking to all these people about themselves, their respective countries, and their opinions on other countries, I have come to one very outstanding conclusion: every person is here for a VERY different reason. Some people were running away from their countries and the persecution they encountered, while others came because they found opportunities that their countries didn’t give them, but none came with the specific motive of doing harm.
I do think there is many foreign people in the U.S. at this time, but I DO NOT believe it to be a negative thing! On the other hand, I think we can learn much from the insight people have from coming from different places with different cultures and political views. We could learn from all of our mistakes and from all our successes, but this is not what some people are doing! Instead of welcoming people from other countries, there is an abundance of hatred. We saw videos of people being horrible to each other and saying things along the lines of “Go back to [insert beautiful native country here]!” and I very well think that this may not stop anytime soon. I believe that these issues were already ingrained in some people’s mentalities and were only latent until given the opportunity to rise to the surface, but now that we see how some people can be hateful, the only thing left to do is spread more love! #SpreadTheLove
I want to call you all to take action. It is time to show that our love for our fellow humans! We cannot ostracize anyone, we cannot isolate anyone, and we cannot discriminate against anyone. We have to show the people that even if we were not born in the same places, believe in the same Gods, or have the same beliefs, we still respect one another and value everyone’s lives. In a time in which people have become afraid of showing their individuality, let us show them it is what makes them beautiful! And the best way to do this, is to help them feel welcome and at ease.
This is why I write today.
Today I write because I think people are worried and scared because they fear a very extreme outcome to this election, and I think most of this fear is founded on the idea that a President can do ANYTHING he/she wants, which is completely FALSE! You see, sadly, some immigrants are actually poorly educated in the way the American Government works, so they are scared out of their shoes thinking they might be deported on their way to the supermarket to get food for their kids! And this is where the #SpreadTheLove thing I am talking about comes into play. Help them feel safe. Explain to the the way the government works and show them that they do not have to fear! If we could do this, not only would we be giving these people a bit of peace of mind, but we might even interest them in researching more about the legal system and be better prepared, but MOST IMPORTANTLY, we are showing them we care and they have a friend/family in us, that they have support, and that is simply invaluable… Show them we care. Show them we can help. Show them we are here for them, and we are willing to support them.
And I know I went mostly into the topic of immigration, but this is only because being Mexican and having family here, this is the topic that hits closest to home, but we have to #SpreadTheLove to everyone! Love the LGBTQ communities that have been attacked lately. Love the little kids that are being bullied. Love the Women who are being discriminated against and given unequal rights. Love the racial minorities that have been ostracized. Love the people that work in any type of public service and appreciate their contribution instead of looking down on them. Love your family, love your neighbors, love your friends. Nothing is more beautiful than a peaceful interaction, and a courteous and respectful behavior towards one another. Recognize that you have views that are important to you, but just like you, other people have their own views and that does not give you the right to destroy them. Recognize that everybody has rights and everybody deserves your respect. Also recognize that to get respect you have to give it. And most importantly, in this time of “uncertainty,” “fear,” and “disappointment,” educate yourself and help others become educated to make voices heard. Learn how to write to your Congressmen and ask for what you need, what everybody needs. Learn how policy is made and how you can influence it. Learn how to become an active citizen, and teach that to others. Show people that are not citizens how to make the best of their stay as well! We all live here, and we all “Make America Great.” Let us not forget that.
Make use of your resources, and remember to verify with official and real sources. (Here is the official U.S. Government‘s website, which contains accurate information!) Don’t let yourself be scared by some random hateful people that will not rest until they make you feel alone. Show them you are not. Show them you are loved and have love to give…